sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
