I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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