Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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