I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
