If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
