He kissed a someone with a penis
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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