and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
