the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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