theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
