Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
