I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
