The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
BRING THE BAGELS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
