I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I am midnight drunk by noon
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
