Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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