I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You are the jesus of drinking
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
