if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
