You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
we're making bets on your personal life
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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