508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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