I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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