ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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