my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
