Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
