I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
