i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
