I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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