DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
