On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
