a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
