dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I am full of burrito and curiosity
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
