we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
