I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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