I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
