so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
