chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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