Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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