he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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