The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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