My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
