I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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