a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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