I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
