I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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