...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
