So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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