I'm so fucking centered right now
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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