I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
