Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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