I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
