Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
