I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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