Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
