Capitaan dildo arrescate!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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